(Pastemagazine) - Can we talk about this blue wine thing? Because it’s freaking embarrassing. Mother Nature Network mentioned this beverage from Gik (does that get pronounced like “geek” or rhyme with “ick?” I can’t tell, I’m old) that has been crafted for you, the Millennial, because you like “wine” but “don’t care about the rules.” How about the laws of nature, you care about those at all? Because you are probably the last generation that has a snowball’s chance in Scottsdale of even contending with those.

So we need you to step it up, okay?

I am old enough to remember when Al Gore invented the Internet, but young enough to understand how it works. In other words, I’m in my 40s. And honey-babies, the last thing I think wine should ever be is pretentious, precious, or too big for its winey little britches. It can be sublime and exciting, it can be not a big deal; it can be either fabulously hooked into ancient traditions or fabulously maverick, and all that, but let’s be honest – it turns into pee, whether it came from the hottest, Haute-est chateau in Champagne or the eucalyptus tanks of Oenovoldemort Sean Thackrey or the most exclusive invitation-only fetishists in St. Helena, or the Hallowed Vaults of Two Buck Chuck. Pee. Now that we have that sorted, let’s talk about fake wine.

From the Gik website: “GIK represents the innovative side of life, because that’s how we are. We believe in the creative rebellion, we build new things, break with the past and create our future. We will never have a fixed office; Internet and our mail box have become our real office.” Do I need to unpack that for anyone? Gik, we get that your “office” is in cyberspace, cuties. Now: where do you grow your grapes? In your minds?

Blue is the last color humans evolved a word for, and might have been the last color we came to perceive. Most ancient civilizations did not have a word for “blue” – some modern ones still don’t, and have trouble perceiving it. The Egyptians are believed to be the first people to coin a word for blue, and significantly they were the first to develop blue dye. In The Odyssey, Homer describes the Mediterranean as “wine-dark.” And you know what, he didn’t effing mean blue.